Friday, October 10, 2008

Okay, so I'm NOT a big baby... sue me.

If you read yesterday's randomness, you saw that today i was having "a growth" removed from the back of my leg. I may or may not have said exactly where it was, but now you know... Upper thigh, to be precise.

I have hairy legs. It's just one of those facts of life. Surgical procedures on my legs require the area be "cleansed" of all follicular obstruction. Yes, shaved. So, the nurse shaved an area... Oh, wait, I am getting ahead of myself here. First, the nurse had to dress the area so that I would not have betadyne or whatever it is running all over my shorts and my legs. This entailed medical tape. Not the good kind that just peels off, mind you, but rather the kind that likes to be used in professional hair-removal storefronts at the local malls. We'll get back to that later - the tape, not the malls.

After the protective coverings are SECURELY in place, the nurse grabs a razor and shaves an area for the procedure. This doesn't go too badly, however, she does manage a few nicks. I am convinced this was intentional. As I am laying there face down on the table, I can feel my skin burning a little from the shaving, especially where there is razor burn. Do you know what comes next after a fresh shave in a surgical site? How about we throw a little rubbing alcohol into the mix? How's that feel?

HOLY CRAP! My leg is on fire. It's a good thing I wear glasses, or else my eyes would have popped themselves right out of my head and onto the floor. I have applied aftershave following a facial shave, but to have alcohol poured onto a freshly shaven area that I cant see!? WHOA BUDDY! The nurse said, "Sorry to add insult to injury there..." Uh, huh. I'm sure.

Just about the time that starts to cool off, the doc says he's ready. In order to cut off this "thing" growing out of my leg, I'm going to need local anesthesia. That means a shot. No, it means several shots! Just south of my butt cheek, thank you. HOLY CRAP! The needle wasn't bad. The stuff INSIDE the syringe was horrible! And, to top it off, it wasn't one of those 'put it in, take it out and put it in somewhere else, repeat' kinds of things... Oh, nooo... This was one of those 'put it in, inject liquid fire, wait 30 seconds, repeat once. Then, move the needle and do it again...' At one point, the nurse gently reminded me to breathe. I had to be TOLD TO BREATHE!! Frankly, I was all for passing out right there, thank you very much. Just let me lose consciousness and wake me up when it's over, thanks.

I have to admit, once all that was done, I didn't feel anything he was doing back there. I could tell by the movements he was making that he was cutting circles, though not sure how deep, and removing....stuff... But, all in all, not bad.

After the procedure came time for stitching me up. Again, everything was going well, and throughout the whole procedure, the doc would ask if I could feel anything back there. I could not. And then...

HOLY CRAP! What was that!? Someone just pushed a pencil through my leg! I conveyed the fact that I felt something to the doc. Let's just say he did not need to be convinced that I could, in fact, feel whatever was going on back there.

He said, "Okay, just a sec...can you feel that?" I couldn't. Evidently, he still a little juice left in the bottle and he used it up on that spot.

Once that was all over, the nurse had to remove the protective coverings... You know, the ones that were securely fastened to my legs by gluing themselves to my leg hairs with the tape she provided? Yeah... She said, "Okay, I'm just going to pull this tape off. I'll just yank. Are you ready?"

Why do people ask you questions if they aren't going to wait for a reply?

HOLY CRAP! The tape was attached to the inside of my leg and across the 'top' at about the place my rear end becomes my leg.

I told the nurse that I knew they had this all planned out - cause pain, wait for patient to recover slightly, cause more pain, wait, repeat... It's quite a racket they have going there.

You would think that would be the end of things, right? Wrong. You see, it's time for flu shots.... yay me.... Just about the time I am getting over the fact that I've been sliced, diced, and defolliculed, the nurse comes in and says, "Okay, which hand do you write with?" In the future, I am going to ask why she needs to know that. Some shots go in the arm you use more and others in the arm you use less. I am going to make sure that ALL shots go in my left arm. Period. I use my right arm. I need it. I don't want it to be sore when I need to use it. Like for driving myself home, or for lifting a drink from Sonic. You know, important things...

And so, the growth (which will be biopsied) was removed from the right side of my body. I got a flu shot in my right arm. And, my right upper thigh/lower buttock is missing several miles of hair. All in all, not a bad trip to the doctor...

Of course, when compared to the vasectomy, this was like stubbing a toe...

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