How They Waste Time and Money in The Natural State, er Land of Opportunity, er wait what?

The State Legislature met to discuss the possibility of changing the state slogan back to "The Land of Opportunity."  I have no idea what the outcome was.  Supposedly, there would be "no cost" involved.  Oh, except for all the "Welcome to Arkansas" signs.  Oh, and all the pamplets, logos, web graphics, etc.  Oh, and then we have pesky little Travel Information Centers.  You know, the ones with the STONE-CARVED slogans that read "The Natural State?"  Yeah, those.  But, I mean, hey, we can get someone to just sand-blast those to a smooth surface and carve the new, er old, slogan into them for free, right?

Oh, and let's talk about that slogan.  There was a reason it was changed in the first place.  "The Land of Opportunity" no longer applied, er applies, to the Natural State.  Frankly, I'm not sure it ever did apply in the sense I would think most folks would take it.  Then again, when taken at its most loosely-referenced definition, I suppose there is plenty of opportunity - to see nature, to earn less than comparable colleagues in other states, to have high-speed internet in rural areas... Oh, wait, that last one doesn't apply.  In fact, in many areas of the state, the term "internet access" still means super-slow dial-up or super-expensive satellite.  Oh, it could also mean access at a whopping 1.5 megs... Whew! Don't hurt yourself there, pilgrim.

As it turns out, changing the slogan is not the only waste of time up there in "the Rock."  You see, Arkansas, and evidently our sister state, New York, is considering a ban on personal music devices and cell phone use while.. WALKING...  Yes, lady that fell into the fountain because you were too (preoccupied) to pay attention to where YOU were going, you have sparked national stupidity to the houses of law-making.  Seriously, didn't lawmakers already try to ban these back when Sony came out with that dangerous personal listening device called the Walkman??  Ludicrous.

You cannot legislate people into being smarter.  Oh, wait, that's what No Child Left Behind was for, wasn't it.  I digress.  Many states now have laws against texting and driving.  Do people still do it? Of course.  Will people still text and walk, or heaven forbid listen to (gasp!) music and walk?  Of course.

How do we keep people from getting hurt while they are listening to music?  We don't.  They get run over, they learn from the incident.  How did I learn not to run between two parked cars?  I tried it once.  I nearly got hit.  I never did it again.  See how that works?  I tried chewing tobacco for a while.  I found it gross and it made me sick.  I stopped doing it.  A child puts her hand on a hot stove even though she was told not to.  She gets burned.  She learns not to do that again. 

Wow.  Who knew?

Really... Here's a thought: Concentrate on ways to make Arkansas the state that DESERVES to have the slogan changed, THEN change the slogan.  Quit trying legislate people out of their FREEDOM to listen to music or to use their cell phones (or any other kind of phone).  I thought this was America where citizens had the freedom to be stupid and to, hopefully, learn from mistakes. 

Besides, how many people have died from personal listening device-related injuries?  Anyone know?  Anyone?  Yeah, that's what I was thinking....  The same number of people killed by the noiseless hybrids that sneak up on unsuspecting cyclists....

Not the sharpest tack

Have you ever done something stupid that you wished you could take back immediately after you did it? Feel free to share. You may be asking yourself, "Why would anyone share such things in the public forum that is 'The Internet?'" I can't answer that for you, the reader, but for me, writing about my past experiences (both good and bad) helps me remember those things. Why would I want to remember the things probably better forgotten? Think about the stories your parents or grandparents (or aunts and uncles) told you as you were growing up. How many of those stories involved some mishap that later turned the whole incident into something humorous (though may not have been at the time it happened)?

Fine, so write them down, sure, but why share them with the world? Because when we can laugh at ourselves, or learn from our own mistakes, we find others that may have done similar things. We may also find a memory that we can then turn into a short story or a full-on novel if we really get going.

Here are a couple examples from my own experiences. As best I can, I will also include the approximate age this happened. Why? because you'll see that you don't have to be a child to do dumb things.

When I was in second or third grade (7 or 8 yrs old), I had been watching Bugs Bunny cartoons on TV one day. The show where Bugs helps Betsy Ross come up with a pattern for the flag gave me an idea. I went out into the front yard and laid a rake on the ground with the teeth facing skyward. I paced back and forth a few times. On the last time, I stepped hard down on the teeth of the rake. The handle came directly at my face and smacked me squarely on the forehead, side of my nose, and my chin. Much like the cartoon, I saw plenty of stars. Unlike the cartoon, however, I fell backward onto the ground, having been nearly knocked out by infinite wisdom. I don't particularly remember much between falling and getting back up again. I can say with authority that one should not attempt the things one sees in a cartoon. I'd be especially wary of the Roadrunner ones.

My father refereed soccer for many years while I was growing up. For a time, I too earned money overseeing matches. I suppose I was in ninth grade for this particular adventure. Dad worked a tournament in the Southside of Pittsburgh. After the matches were over, my brother and I ran on to the field and began kicking the ball around. We dribbled, shot, tries tricks, and generally goofed around while Mom and Dad gathered everything to head home. I stood about midfield and kicked the ball at my brother, who was in one of the goals. He blocked the shot and kicked the ball back at me. As the ball got close, I started dribbling backward. The ball moved between my legs and under my feet as I continued to move further and further away from him. As I gained speed in this backward motion, I suddenly found myself lying on the ground with a powerful headache. I had backed myself full-speed into one of the goal posts! My brother came over to check on me. My parents, who must have only seen him walking toward me and me lying on the ground, called out, "Get up and let's go!" It wasn't until the ride home that I told my folks why I had been on the ground. When quizzed as to why he didn't stop me, my brother said, "Well, I thought you were going to turn around or stop. I didn't think you'd run into the goal post."

In high school (this would be 10th grade), a friend of mine offered to drive me home in his truck. We lived in an apartment in Westminster, Colorado. We pulled into the parking lot and he stopped to let me out. I opened the door and he suddenly gunned the vehicle into motion. Rather than shutting the door, I jumped from the moving truck. As I flew through the air, I pictured myself landing hard and rolling across the pavement. Rather than face that, I managed to reach back and grab the door handle of the truck. I slammed against the side and my legs dragged across the ground, tearing a large hole in my jeans at the knees. The truck stopped and my friend said, "What the heck are you doing!?" "I was jumping out to get home." "What the heck would you do that for!?" Honestly, I hadn't lived in the area long and I didn't know if he was going to let me out or not. I told him, "I didn't think you'd let me out." He laughed. "Man, that is the craziest thing I have seen anyone do!" You would think I had learned not to do such things in the future. Nope.

As a sophomore (or maybe freshman, hard to remember) in college, a group of friends and I were up late after going to the movies. Rather than heading back to the dorm, we went to a nearby park. We played on the see-saws, rode the swings, and generally made fools of ourselves. As the swinging continued, we decided to see who could jump the farthest while the swing was in motion. I'm not sure what happened, but when it came my turn, I got the swing going high enough that it at least appeared to reach its peak parallel to the bar that held the chains. As I came forward from the backswing, I thrust myself out of the seat and into the air. As in my previous story, I suddenly questioned my actions midflight. I grabbed the chain and fell straight to the ground. As everyone laughed, I checked myself for signs of destruction. The only thing bruised: my ego.

Naturally, I have done many other things that left eyewitnesses scratching their heads. Each of these tales from true events could be expanded into longer stories and/or combined into a novelization.

So, I pose to you the question I asked at the beginning: Have you ever done something stupid that you wished you could take back immediately after you did it?

Are you a cold-calling salesperson? Then act like one.

The other day, while working on developing our agency's Continuity of Operations Plan (yes, that would be the Co-op's COOP), I received a cold call from some sales guy.  Looking back, I wish I remembered the dude's name because I would steer you far clear from this guy.

The phone call started off about as normally as most cold calls do, he introduced himself and told me he worked as an Oracle solutions provider.  Here is basically how the conversation went:

Him: "I'm so-and-so, and I'm an Oracle solutions provider.  I was wondering if you had any need of our services. I was told you are the person I should talk to about IT."

Me (knowing that Oracle is a database company, but wanting the guy to work for his pay): "Yes, I'm the IT person here.  What do you do?"

Him (a bit agitated): "Well, we're Oracle."  He pauses as if that should be enough explanation, then continues, "We do database management for companies."

Me (unable to resist the urge to pester the guy): "I'm not sure how that would help me.  Why do I need your services?"

Him (really agitated or confused, it's hard to tell): "Well, do you have anything you're doing with databases?  Like financial records or personnel or backend web data?"

Me: "We run Microsoft Office Sharepoint Services 2007 with SQL 2005."

Him: "Well, with your Office, do you run any databases or anything?"

Me (shaking my head because MOSS 2007 is not 'Office'): "We have a few Access databases, but that has nothing to do with our MOSS solution."

Him (either really pissed or very flustered): "Well, okay, yeah, I guess I'm not sure I'm talking to the right person then."

Me (VERY pissed off): "Whoa!  What do you mean 'not the right person?'  I told you I am THE technology person here.  We're running MOSS 2007 with Microsoft SQL. How am *I* the 'WRONG' person?"

Him: "Well, I don't think you understand -" He breaks off his thought and instead finishes with, "Well, thanks anyway." (or something just as banal)

Now, the moral of the story is this: As a salesperson, your job is to SELL me on your product or service.  Know why you are calling BEFORE you call a prospective customer.  He or she may still not buy from you, but you will be much more well-received if you know what you're talking about.  On the other hand, if you aren't sure, DON'T fake it.  How hard is it to say, "I don't know what that is" or "What is that" when you encounter a potential customer in his or her own environment.  And, last but not least, NEVER, and I mean NEVER talk "down" to a customer, especially one that isn't even a paying customer yet.  Granted, I pushed the guy a bit.

I have no idea if I will ever need services that Oracle offers or not, but rest assured, I will think long and hard before I ever even think about using them.  Yes, based on this one experience.  I don't have time to cottle and cuddle with some salesperson I don't even know, and I sure don't have time to play "catch up" after being treated like *HE* was doing *ME* the favor of his calling.  Next!

"Free" Big Mac - are you kidding me with this?

While checking my Yahoo! mail today, this was the banner ad (what you see above).

Notice the small print? "Complete six offers..." Are you kidding me!? For a blankety-blank BIG MAC!? What's a Big Mac cost, like 3 bucks? You want me to sign up for junk mail out the butt, plus buy more than a few things, I'm sure!? And for a BIG MAC!? Yeah, I don't think so. Times may be tough, but I can pull up to Mickey D's and get a stupid Big Mac if I want one, and I don't have to complete anything more than driving my happy butt there...

Man, that is tooo funny...