Saturday, March 10, 2012

The old new iPad..

We've seen the release of the iPad.  Then, we saw the iPad 2.  As of the date of this post, we have the new iPad.  What do we call the new iPad when the next iPad comes out? I imagine walking into an Apple store one day, hearing something like this:

Customer: "I'd like the new iPad."
Apple Genius: "The brand-new iPad? Sure, we're taking pre-orders today!"
C: "No. Not the brand-new iPad. The old new iPad."
AG: "An old new iPad? Am I being punk'd?"
C: "No. I want the old new iPad."
AG: "Oh, the iPad 2..."
C: "No. Not the iPad 2. The one they should have called iPad 3, but didn't."
AG: "Ah, you want the 3rd generation iPad, then."
C: "I didn't think you were allowed to call it that."
AG: "Well, not officially. No."
C: "Well, I'll take one of those."
AG: "We don't sell them here."
C: "What?"
AG: "You have to buy them at big box retailers or online."
C: "Fine. Put me online and I'll order it, then."
AG: "You can't get online here unless you are trying out our products."
C: "So, I can't order the old new iPad from within the STORE!?"
AG: "No, but there is a Wal-Mart down the road."
C: "What if I 'test' a MacBook Air 2 by ordering my old new iPad?"
AG: "Sorry, you can't buy the 3rd Generation iPad from within the store."
C: "Actually, I'll just go buy a Fire."

*Yes, I realize no one who actually visits an Apple Store would receive such pleasant conversation without obligatory eyerolls, sighs of despair, and condescending attitude. But, those are hard to convey in text only to any degree of accuracy. On second thought, here's another take on this:


Customer (Donning sunglasses to keep from going blind in the bright, white lights of the store's interior): "I'd like the new iPad."

Apple Genius (Wearing a smile so obviously manufactured, Apple itself probably created it and made its employees wear it as part of the store uniform. He looks up from his chocolate caramel shake, er I mean Starbucks cup): "The brand-new iPad? Sure, we're taking pre-orders today!" (He jumps up and down three times while clapping his hands madly. He looks like a seal waiting for a fish treat. Or maybe a penguin.)

Customer (Looking at the Genius as though he just landed from Venus. Probably, he did. She smiles politely, shakes her head a few times): "No. Not the brand-new iPad. The old new iPad."

AG (Stops jumping up and down, places hand on hips): "An old new iPad? Am I being punk'd?" (He looks around for hidden cameras and a crew.)

Customer (Gritting her teeth): "No. I want the old iPad."

AG (Rolls his eyes, looks toward the ceiling, shakes his head in disbelief): "Oh, the iPad 2..."

Customer (Stares through the Genius, ready to slap the crap out of him): "No. Not the two. The one they should have called iPad 3, but didn't."

AG (Looks at her, smirking as if he just unraveled the great mystery of life): "Ah, you want the 3rd generation iPad, then."

Customer (running one index finger over the other in the universal 'shame-shame' gesture): "I didn't think you were allowed to call it that."

AG (looking around to see if anyone else heard him): "Well, not officially. No."

C (sighs heavily): "Well, I'll take one of those."

AG (rolls his eyes, straightens his back to stand taller, and suddenly speaks with something of an almost-British accent -that is, one of putting on airs): "We don't sell those here."

C: "What?"

AG (still 'on airs' and waving his hand in a non-specific direction, as if to indicate somewhere out in the world beyond the glass palace in which he stands): "You have to buy them at big box retailers or online."

C (gritting teeth once again): "Fine. Put me online and I'll order it, then."

AG (folds hands in front of himself): "You can't get online here unless you are trying out our products."

C: "So, I can't order the old new iPad from within the STORE!?"

AG (pointing in the direction of the large glass panes at the front of the store): "No, but there is a Wal-Mart down the road."

C (again grits her teeth): "What if I 'test' a MacBook Air 2 by ordering my old new iPad?"

AG (raises eyebrows in a manufactured sympathetic manner): "Sorry, you can't buy the 3rd Generation iPad from within the store."

Customer (Looking at oversized black and white image of Steve Jobs hanging from the ceiling, rolls her eyes, and heads for the door): "Actually, I'll just go buy a Fire."

*In case you missed it, this is a FICTIONAL scenario. Any likeness to any actual Apple Genius is purely coincidental. Except for that one guy I met in the Apple store during our trip to NYC. Or the one in Chicago. Or the one in Little Rock. Wait, is there even an Apple Store in Chi? Or the ones I've read about online. Or heard about from other friends. Or... Besides, I'm sure you'll be able to order the old new iPad from within the store.... Surely... I would think.

*I have nothing against Apple (well, okay, some things, but that has nothing to do with why we're here today) per se. I just don't think they should call their "associates" by the "Genius" name when some of them can't even keep their shoes tied. Just sayin.  I mean, I'm no genius, but I don't go around calling myself one, either.

*As a side note: how many postscripts can one add to a post before removing them and just making new paragraphs integrated as part of the actual post itself?  And, how many posts have you read where the afterthoughts are actually longer and provide deeper thought than the actual post itself?  Why is Little Boy Blue wearing blue, anyway?  Why didn't Little Miss Muffett just kill the stupid spider?  And, just what is "E-I-E-I-O" supposed to mean, anyway?

*They say Eve tempted Adam with an Apple. I think it was an iPad. Or, rather, the Pre-iPad iPad. Or maybe the new old iPad. Or the old old iPad.

No comments:

Post a Comment